Sometime I wonder what it is that’s holding me here. Are they excuses or just an over whelming fear?
I wonder why I don’t do the things I say I want to do. Why I only live in them by saying them, and how utterly unsatisfied I am because of my action to take none.


wow-za!

05Aug09

I must say in light of recent events- that I can fondly remember but fail to speak of- I have been away for far too long.

It seems this always happens. For a month or so I’ll make an update here and there, I’ll post up a picture or two, and all in all I end up making these once in a blue moon posts.

What has been happening in the world of deb?

Well gee, LOTS!

Quick list because everyone loves lists!

-Cosmetology School-Done! Just waiting for paperwork to clear out!

-New car- CHECK! .. and now to deal with those monthly payments….

-Job? – … currently working on that situation.

Other than those three things, any other changes in life have been minimal,  There were happenings and moments. Etc.

For a while now I’ve been wondering what it is that makes humans so complex. (for lack of a better word at the moment)

I wonder about thoughts and then the actions that follow those thoughts. I wonder why those actions take place rather than others. I wonder uhm.. what makes people tick and why? Uhm.. I dunno, it was this uhm strange revelation I had recently. I couldn’t understand how the brain could trick you into thinking one thing over reality. How manipulating your own self was. How much you can make yourself struggle by your own thought, and your own worry, and your own action.

I think a lot of the time we blame someone else. We in a way tattle tale to relieve that guilt we feel. Sometimes it seems to never go away until you realize that you are the problem.

Then again, there’s also those times when it is totally and utterly not you that is the problem but someone else. It makes me wonder about these relationships you build with people. Even if only for a brief moment. Those connections you have with someone makes an incredible impact in their life.  I feel we often forget. I feel I often forget.

I take those brief or sometimes lengthy moments for granted. I feel that we as a society have forgotten how to connect as human beings. We look out for each other but it seems only the people you know closely or well enough to … spend time/effort/thought on.

Hardly do we recognize that we live in a society where my feelings affect yours + anyone else who happens to be around during that situation.

We remember that it’s easy to be miserable and just plain yucky.

Mostly we FORGET how easy it is to not be. I feel I have forgotten.

You know when you get sort of stuck in a rut? uhm… like this weird pit where all you’re surrounded by are these thoughts, these same few thoughts that never seem to leave. I hate those moments. It’s so hard to find clarity sometimes. I suppose that’s why we have friends and family to support us. But, even so, it feels like this inner battle that only you can conquer. It feels like this uhm.. self realization kinda thing.

It’s weird. Totally weird, even though we live in such close proximity to other beings and even animals or plants (because some of us believe they have feelings too) in the end we are alone. Uhm, sometimes I think it is rather impossible for someone to fully understand what I’m saying  in exactly the same way that I feel. Mostly, your judgement and the thought process is based upon your experience. I believe people face similar situations but never the EXACT SAME ONE.

It’s strange. Yet, we still have the ability to connect.

Through feelings. These uhm… emotions that help us understand each other. It’s totally awesome, and totally confusing at the very same moment.

haha. :) Neat.

It surprises how often I forget how awesome humans are. How incredible our capabilities are and how often we forget that potential.

Potential. FUCK, I love words. :) It makes it so much easier to explain, and yet so complicated. -_-

HAHA!

wow, that felt pretty good. :)


The Big 2-0

16Mar09

With pictures!

I got home today thinking, I need to finish up my laundry and set aside my clothes for the week, then plan on lunch and dinner for the week. Only to be surprised by a HUGE box on my bed.

:) It was a wonderful surprise. I took some pictures as I opened up the box.

This is my surprised face:

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Exterior of package:

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:) my friends are super silly, I love them for it!

Of course, I got the Picture pose with the gifts.

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Drinking Hat: the Kind with two drinks and One straw. Yum. Now I can fuse drink together, or make it a “cocktail” hat. LOL. Sweet.

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Sock Puppet! It’s  Monkey!!! :) Made of socks!  Yay!!!

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Infinite Fun with a Slinky. Something I would Definitely try to do.  :)

I think I just might!

Art Supplies. <3

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OMFG an ant farm made of gel?!?!?!?

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I think the kid on the box isn’t as excited as he should be.

The mess:birfdae-040

LOL, herro just randomly hanging out with the tissue paper.

She’s such a cutie.

:) I’m kinda stoked about this birthday. Even though it doesn’t mean anything legally,  it’s my “step” out of the teen years… LOL.

WOW. I’m an adult. Fucking weird. haha

Responsiblity? What’s that?!


OMF-march?!

04Mar09

My apologies. I feel I owe alot to you Interweb. I feel I owe you the last 3 months of deb-life that you have missed.

OR Rather, I have forgotten to update you on.

New:

Room set up:blog-03-04-0071

Herro the kitten:blog-03-04-004

Silver ring ( it’s plain, simple, deb-like)blog-03-04-002

Hair color/cut/style.huurrr-002

People at work.

Friends.

Lifestlye. ( More on that later)

Same:

Living status.

Marital status.


LIFESTYLE CHANGES?!?

Just a few.

I’ve quit smoking, my favortie thing in the world. I did it mostly out of finance (I’m fucking broke) and moreover I did it because I wanted a change, I needed a change and what is more drastic that quiting your favorite habit (be it a bad one). I do on occasion steal a drag from someone’s cigarette. In fact, last night I had a lengthy dream of running up to a complete stranger and taking a lit cigarette out of their mouth just to satisfy my hunger for cancer in stick form. Oddly enough, I’ve been fighting my habit of running to the 24 hour mart and buying a pack, sometimes a carton if money was available.

Why change? I don’t know. I was bored. Bored with the life I was living. It felt numb, and repetitive. Same non-sense over and over again. I do realize that things will change soon. I’ll be out of school. Out of that job that sucks my life away, and out about in the world. Cutting hairs and making ugly rich people beautiful. Then on occasion a beautiful poor person ugly.

I’m going into a business I think is ridiculous.  LOL.

But it’s engaging, it’s change, it’s something I’ve never intended on doing, and frankly, that is the excitement I need.

I’ve started the Book. It’s pretty awesome so far, I’ve gotten to chapter 2. ( haha it’s a lengthy book, and I don’t have much time to sit and read these days)

But so far, he’s been talking about consciousness, the size of a soul, how soul sizes are different ( by location of person the soul belongs to, religion, and sex of soul bearer). I’m enjoying it so far, but it takes much concentration and pensive actions that I lack.

On another note, my roommate made a stop by ikea, and next to ikea there’s a videomart with THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of old school cartoons, shows, movies on dvd. It’s a trade/shop. So you can trade in your dvds and swap ‘em for other ones.

:) These are the 2 I’m most excited about!

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No webbies today. I’m feeling a bit under the weather.

’til the next time I’m feeling sickly and have time. OR better yet, the next time I’m free.

take it easy.


Ollie
Prowler

It’s been decided that the month of September 08′ is officially the month of losing yourself, and everyone else around you.

Lot’s has happened since I’ve last updated. Here’s the update in a brief list format:

- Living in an apartment with Mel.

- and Ollie, the pussy cat.

- Went back to my old job, almost a year now. -_-

- Starting schooling at Hi-tech: Paul Mitchell. (which I’m fucking excited for!)

-I’m smoking more than ever. (haha)

With the last few months, there’s been a great number of memories I LOVE looking back on, and plenty I’d rather never discuss again. Mostly, people have been my biggest issue over the last few months. People who’ve surrounded me at work, or when I’m buying groceries, or just trying to get my damn pack of ‘grits for the day. What’s occupied my mind most is the people I have direct contact with on an almost daily basis.

I feel…. Lost. I feel, things that I have known for so long, aren’t what I believed them to be. I feel…. change. This insane change that I cannot help but get caught up in and also have the time to sit back and watch.

Change, It’s good. It’s also incredibly frightening.

Enough about me though, here’s some Webbies for ya!

Mixturtle.com If you know what you want to listen to then, just type it in! search by song or artist! Best feature? Free. Second Best feature? Allows you to SAVE playlists on the website, and reopen them in your browser! Just Join for free, make a profile and listen to whatever it is your little heart desires.

OMG, I love Food, I don’t know how much I can stress that fact, I enjoy eating it, looking at it, feeling it (although I don’t usually stick my hand into my meals just to feel around) and cooking it.

If you’re a food fan, or just feel inspired to put your stove to some use poke around Opensourcefood.com

for all your cooking needs or even just to make you hungry at weird times in the evening.

LAWL. Don’t do drugs.

… science is wrong. I googled Google, and it did not implode on itself. :( How disappointing. -_- I feel a little bit nerdy just thinking about that.

This is the next book I will be reading.

that’s all for now!! Enjoi.


Do not fear.

13Oct08

Post arriving shortly.  I know, tell your friends I’m not dead….yet.


wow.

15Apr08

lots happening, that’s why the lack of updates. but never fear there’s good stuff coming, I promise. :)

I’m doing well and hope you’re all doing the same as well.




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